Episode 3: Bad idea, right? An extended version [raw and unfiltered]

No Sex in My City: Episode 3

If you haven’t read episode one, head over there now because I’ve, unfortunately, reopened a can of worms, giving a m*n another chance.

Was my ego shot that a m*n ghosted me? Well, yes.

Can I reflect for a moment? 

It’s no doubt that I have a lot of walls up, and I felt as if I was giving a lot to said m*n. Was I actually? Probably not. Definitely not, to be honest.

If I started to share more parts of my life with him, it meant that I was reaching levels of comfortability, closeness, and likeness that I was not expecting. As much as I wanted to open up and talk to him more, I actually didn’t because I was scared. I’ll forcibly admit that.

I was seeing him about once a week or once every two weeks for a few solid months; around this time, someone asked me if I was dating to which I had to pause, and deliver that “it would appear that way”. I was shocked, appalled, (crying, screaming, throwing up), that my answer wasn’t “no”.

I had thoughts of ghosting him myself, but ultimately didn’t because I realized that if he ghosted me, I’d feel some type of way about it (and did).

We had gone on multiple dates at this point: if you didn’t like me, tell me; if you didn’t think things were going anywhere, tell me. I get that no answer is an answer; I am team no ghost all the way! However, it’s seemingly a cowardly move - suck it up and do something! (In case you’re wondering, I asked him a question to which I received no response.)

The saga unfortunately continues

(Sigh) I was convinced on a drunken, silly night (about four months later), to reopen this can of worms and booty call him. Did it work? Duh.

The text took about an hour to craft, and within an hour of sending the text, I was in an Uber (that he sent me) to his place.

It’s past 2am, so it’s quite obvious what this is. The crazy part? This was the first time I’d spent the night at his place. Not only did he cuddle me the entire night (like can you actually get off), but he told me that he was glad I texted him and that he likes me (he said this to me while I was sleeping… so he doesn’t know that I heard… WEAK SAUCE).

With me reopening this, we started talking again. I booty called him a second time, but had come to the realization that that’s not the precedent that I wanted to set; I’m just not that girl.

Did I tell him that? Not exactly in those words, but I steered it in a different direction, hoping that he would take the hint.

This is where I have to remember that boys are f*cking idiots. We went on a couple of dates shortly after. Though I didn’t spell it out to him that I didn't want this to be a booty call, I didn’t think I had to. We went on two actual dates - I felt like that was direction enough!

Did I end up at his place post dates? Just once. After the second date.

Look, I thought this was going in a better direction. I was actually giving him the time of day, we were talking more, and I told him I liked hanging out with him, which was no small feat for me (I was nervous to tell him that).

Are you still seeing him? 

After that second date, it was crickets.

I’m new to this, but I’m not stupid. After the realization that he ghosted me not once, but twice, I was in disbelief that I even reopened the can of worms. There was no way in hell that I was going to text him first; if he’s not taking initiative, I don’t want it.

I don’t live my life with regrets, so I wouldn’t say that I necessarily regret that, but it makes me wonder why the f*ck I would give a m*n another chance.

I’m avoidant as f*ck, so I know my downfall there. However, the thought of expressing my feelings to a m*n first makes me sick. I’d really rather eat a jean jacket or dive head first into a pool of sharks.

After this sh*t of a show, it really makes me want to not date ever again. Lest we forget, he wanted to date me! Ghosted by a m*n who was trying to pursue me? Jail. And I gave him another chance? Double homicide.

Is this truly the pool of m*n that are single and available? YUCK.

xoxo,
kaels
too bad ain’t me <3