Episode 4: Different kind of dating

I need a break from all this discussion of m*n.

I’m switching gears on you to a different kind of dating: making new friends in a new city!

Moving to New York, I was nervous about finding community and making new friends. I have one good friend here (my roommate, shoutout Gabi), and additional friends through her. However, I knew that I wanted to make my own friends, too.

This was, and is, seemingly one of my biggest challenges as a socially awkward and introverted adult.

How do you make friends as an adult? 

The older I’m getting, the more protective I am about my time and my energy. Going through a friendship breakup, which I discuss more here, is what really opened my eyes to what I’m looking for in relationships, specifically friendships.

I want to surround myself with people who share the same values and interests as me, who want to uplift and support each other. Who knew that the TikTok that a Bay Area friend sent me would hold so much weight in my life?

She sent me a TikTok showcasing a Ganda Girl event - a Filipina club in NYC (more on this later hehe). The stars were aligning because this is exactly what I needed.

I was able to connect with someone and we planned time to grab a drink and a bite. We found each other on Instagram, but also through this group, so I was excited when we connected and made plans to hang out.

I was excited, yet nervous for this friend date. If I’m being honest, I was way more nervous for this than my dates with m*n; I just really wanted it to go well and I really wanted to make a friend.

My first friend date in NYC

I was running around my apartment trying to put an outfit together - I was having nerves on whether or not heels were doing too much. Ultimately, my roommate told me to just be myself - so, heels it was! I showed up fully myself and got over the hump of meeting someone new.

Ultimately, we were in different places in our lives. She is much younger than myself, which caught me by surprise because she holds herself more maturely for her age - our topics of conversation begged to differ, though.

The bulk of her interests had to do with dating and partying, in a much younger capacity than myself. Don’t get me wrong, I can party and live it up - however, her discussions of going out were heavily male-centered. I let her know that that’s not the goal for me when I go out, or the goal in general.

She was persistent about me going on dating apps and just dating in general, especially since she has a boyfriend and likes to live vicariously through her single friends. She was definitely hyping me up and saying that I would attract a lot of male attention, but, respectfully, that’s not the goal or my version of fun.

I tried to steer our conversation, and it somehow always landed back on this topic. I had to explain that I love being single and that I’m not on any prowl of sorts. I had to explain that my version of fun is getting ready and going out with the girls! I don’t need a m*n in my life to feel complete or to have fun; I simply don’t seek male validation.

It took awhile for her to understand, and once she picked up what I was putting down, she was shocked, but proceeded to tell me that she now sees things with a different lens. I was glad that I was able to lend that perspective, but it was definitely tough to get through.

Do you have a new friend? 

I wouldn’t say it didn’t go well, but I unfortunately haven’t seen her since. All love, but this isn’t what I was looking for. I want a friend who already shares the same values as me and where we can have fun!

I have nothing ill to say about her at all; we truly are just in different stages in our lives.

After that experience, I definitely learned that it’s not easy to make new friends, but that I have to remain open and have my values close to heart. In many ways, friend dating is similar to romantic dating - at this point in my life, I can’t tell you which one is scarier, because both are equally scary. At the end of the day, I am building relationships in respect to what makes sense to me.

I want to know, truly, how do adults make new friends?

xoxo,
kaels
too bad ain’t me <3