The patriarchy owes me: the price I pay for being pretty in a patriarchal society

Embracing a Matriarchal Mindset: Beyond the 'Airhead' Stereotype

Growing up, I was the smartest girl in school, but somehow still managed to have the wits of a complete airhead. One could even say this applies to this day.

“You’re so pretty” is what family members would tell me after having a “dumb girl" moment - whether that be taking ten minutes to turn off the stove or asking how buffalo wings were made if buffalos indeed did not have wings.

While my family always made that comment, it never dawned on me that I was legitimately viewed as pretty from the outside looking in. I know I’m pretty - this is just a fact. However, it has come to my attention that being pretty isn’t always a privilege: perceptions aren’t always positive or respectful. It’s not easy being me in a patriarchal society.

Background

I have always been surrounded by strong women of color. Growing up with a single father, the rest of the women in my family stepped up to help raise me and my sisters, including, but not limited to, aunties and my grandma. Being surrounded by strong, independent women, they made it adamant that women are capable of anything, especially since my generation is dominated by girls.

Despite the fact that we live in a patriarchal society, my home environment was a matriarchy – my grandma is the matriarch of the family - so I honestly felt so blindsided when I started to grow up and learn more about social structures. All I ever heard was: “focus on yourself and school”. The focus was always on who I was and who I wanted to be. Boys were never a topic of conversation because why would they be?

When it came to my family. I’ve always had full comfortability with being myself: I dressed the way I wanted to, talked the way I wanted to, and acted the way I wanted to. I will forever be grateful for that experience, especially when it came to my outfits. They never said anything negative about how I dressed and I hadn’t thought about it until recently.

How this has impacted my life

I love wearing itty bitty clothing, SUE ME! It doesn’t mean that I’m asking for attention or that I dress for the male gaze. I am highly comfortable with who I am- I love myself, I love my body, and I love dressing to feel pretty and sexy! Given I live in my own world and I do everything for myself, I truly never thought that it would be taken the wrong way. I, not now nor ever, dress for the male gaze. I hate that I have to make that clear, but let’s make it crystal.

It was a huge shock to me when I finally connected the dots to how the patriarchy truly impacts my everyday life. It wasn’t until I started a corporate job that I saw how I was being perceived through a patriarchal lens.

My mere existence shatters the patriarchy. Not only do I dress for myself, but I am so de-centered that it makes everyone else around me mad, especially men. What makes patriarchy more mad than being a confident woman who doesn’t submit to men? I make it my mission to find out just that.

A woman cannot be nice, pretty, and confident without an unwelcome invitation of inappropriate questions or statements, or worse, being mistaken for flirting. I’m, unfortunately, seen as an easy target because of these qualities that I possess - which honestly has nothing to do with me but the fact that men exist. Men cannot fathom a woman being nice to them, let alone a pretty woman being nice to them.

Before we ask why I am being nice to men, let’s circle back to why this has become a topic of conversation: my corporate job. It was and is my literal job to provide assistance and “white glove service” to all employees. I will put a smile on my face, answer stupid questions, but will not allow the harassment that comes my way.

It’s genuinely pissing me off that I am writing about this. Men are the worst and it sucks to exist with them around.

Key Takeaways

It genuinely pains me to live in a world where patriarchy not only lives, but thrives. The media bleeds it and it is entertaining for the masses. For example, The Summer I Turned Pretty has taken everyone by storm and, as much research as that can provide, I actually don’t want to dive into that because it will only make me upset.

There’s no doubt in my mind that there’s so much work that needs to be done for society to truly be inclusive, and the patriarchy is just one construct that needs to be dismantled. While I’ve grown up in a matriarchal household, I still want to acknowledge that there was a lot of learning and unlearning that had to be done. I do truly believe that I don’t view the world through a patriarchal lens, and for that, I feel powerful and grateful.

There is something so empowering about letting go of patriarchal beliefs and I urge you to give power to yourself by letting go of patriarchal beliefs.

So, what’s the price I pay for being a pretty girl in a patriarchy? I don’t. Don’t let men win.

xoxo,
kaels
too bad ain’t me <3