Corporate Crash Out: Am I Having a Crisis?

As I sit here (at my corporate desk), almost teary-eyed, amidst Women’s History Month, I contemplate whether or not I am going through a crisis. The consensus is yet to be determined, but maybe you can help assess the situation.

You may be wondering why I am writing this on the clock, and I’m wondering the same thing.

I’ve been in the corporate world for about three years now and it’s truly sickening, to say the least; they have me in a chokehold that I can’t seem to shake. It’s the “easiest” path to take, but I’ve yet to discover the ease of this situation.

What kind of sick person has a five day work week with a two day break? That’s a discussion for a different time, so for the sake of this piece, let’s circle back to my personal issue.

West coast to east coast

I recently moved from California to New York. Obviously, there are striking differences between the two states, being on completely different coasts, but specifically, let’s discuss the corporate world.

I used to work in Silicon Valley - the tech industry was all I knew, where the culture was casual and employee-focused. Employers “cared” about their employees. A lot of it may have been performative, but there was at least a focus on employees and a work-life balance. From the outside looking in, I had a good gig: the ability to wear what I want, free food in the office, and good pay with good benefits.

I’ve worked in both the tech and fintech industry, but now, I am solely in the fin, investment banking to be specific, and this sh*t is crazy.

Coming from Silicon Valley, where people wear sweats and crocs to work, this is a whole different ball game. You might be saying, “no sh*t!” because yes, no sh*t! But I don’t think I was totally prepared for what this meant for me.

Not only do I need a completely separate work wardrobe that feels nothing like myself, but I slowly feel my personality getting stripped from me daily.

What do you mean?

I thought that I was experiencing imposter syndrome previously, which I definitely was. However, it feels much more amplified now.

My entire personality is quite literally my wardrobe - I love putting together cute outfits and being the cutesy girly pop that I am. While professional work appropriate girly pop outfits exist, who has the money to afford an entire separate wardrobe for that? Not I! I crank out the same outfits on repeat like a cartoon character and it makes me feel so dull. My personal wardrobe is not work appropriate, making it hard to incorporate true personality in my work outfits.

Now, I feel stuck cosplaying as a professional in the finance industry, where there is not an ounce of work-life balance.

What led me to this crash out? 

There’s a lot of things that led me to this crash out, rather crash outs if we’re being completely honest. However, the straw that broke the camel’s back has been this current job search; it’s been leading me on a whole different lane than I’ve been familiar with.

In addition to my “professional experience”, my blog is showcased on my LinkedIn. It’s helped me, in more ways than one, when it came to my job search back in Silicon Valley. Most employers wanted to see what personal skills I brought to the table, but also that I actually did something outside of work. One (me) can admire that, honestly.

In this current job search, I’ve been advised to remove my blog from my LinkedIn because it allows employers to form an opinion on me and it isn’t deemed “professional”. I completely understand where this is coming from, don’t get me wrong, but it’s just the cherry on top of my initial crashout.

I’m truly being molded to be a “professional” in these stodgy places, when that was never the goal to begin with.

I find no joy in work, and the combo of it all (boring outfits and work) is completely draining. Draining to the point where I find it hard to even write anymore, when this was something that I found joy in - an escape from my corporate job.

This seemed to have taken a dark turn and may seem like a cry for help, but it’s more of self-reflection. Because, literally, what is going on? What do I want to do with my life if the corporate world is quite literally taking over it? Is my personality slowly being taken over by the corporate world? Do I even want to continue to work in a corporate setting?

Alas, I have no idea.

Two months later: 
I wrote this back in March and it’s currently the end of May, so this is the first time I’m revisiting this. It is safe to say that I was, and currently am, having a crisis. I am also happy to report that I resigned from that corporate role as of a couple of weeks ago, and it’s the best decision that I’ve made in awhile!

I was crashing out more than I should have been and it was time to finally put myself first. I gave this role my absolute best shot, and it wasn’t worth it anymore. I am incredibly proud of myself for making the difficult decision, knowing that what’s ahead of me is unclear. There’s so much that I want to do and so much that I want to accomplish, and I don’t think any of that could’ve been possible had I been stuck in that role.

This is your reminder to live for yourself. The unknown may be scary, but so is being stuck in a never-ending, life-sucking cycle.

xoxo,
kaels
too bad ain’t me <3