A love letter: to: me, from: me

Celebrating four years of xoxokaels, thanks to you <3

With a fully developed frontal lobe comes an overwhelming amount of lessons and self-reflection, and with that, I say with full confidence that I will always choose myself. 

When I first started this blog, it was to create a platform to showcase my writing and inform others on the research that I was conducting. It was and is something that I do as a passion, but I never thought about where this blog would take me. 

Yet here I am, four years later, continuing to share bits of my life, feeling vulnerable, but at the same time proud, that I still have this passion to create and share. 

When I say with full confidence that I will always choose myself, I mean that with my whole heart. Call me selfish, but it is my life and I will do with it as I please. 

How I got here/Lessons I’ve learned

I mentioned that what I share feels vulnerable, but I know that I’ve barely scratched the surface of my life. 

I don’t share this part of my life, or frankly give myself enough credit and relish on how I got here, but I currently live in New York City. A couple of years ago, I was visiting my friend - my current roommate - in NYC and I completely fell in love with the city. Ever since then, I knew that this is where I wanted to live my adult life. 

I had no idea how or when I was going to make that happen, but I just knew in my heart that I was going to live in NYC. 

At the time, I was living in the Bay Area, California with my family. The Bay was all I ever knew - it’s where I grew up and where I went to college. Though I lived on campus for part of college, I never left what I called home. 

Entering adulthood, my environment wasn’t getting any bigger or any better. I had outgrown everything: my town, my friends, and my family. It was all I ever knew and I desperately craved something new. I yearned for change: somewhere where I can fully be myself without feeling like eyes were on me 24/7; somewhere that can teach me more about myself; somewhere that can challenge me to be the best version of myself. What better place than New York City? Not only was I drawn to the city lights, but by the way everyone minds their own business, by the way everyone is always up and at it, and by the way everyone is fully themselves without hesitation. 

I wanted to be a part of it, too. The best part was, it was a chance for a clean slate, a full reboot. 

Again, I didn’t know how or when I was going to do it, but I knew that I had to do it for myself, and did. I left my family, my hometown, and my job; some might say abruptly, but there’s never a “perfect time” for anything, it was just my time.

Self-reflection

In order to get to where I wanted to be, I had to shift my mindset and start thinking for myself, about what I truly wanted for my life. All I ever knew was right in front of me, all the time. I felt like my life was at a steadfast - nothing was progressing or declining, and I couldn’t stand still any longer. There were a lot of journal and Pinterest sessions in order to understand not only who I am as a person, but what the next phase of my life was going to look like. 

From my extensive self-reflection, I started to love my life exponentially more and things just started working out for me. Granted, I’ve always loved myself and things would always work out for me, but I started to appreciate it more. A big part of this was gratitude - when it came to goal-planning, or manifesting, I would always start with a feeling of gratitude. It really shifted my focus and helped me understand that just because I want more for my life, doesn’t mean I am ungrateful for any parts of my current situation.

What choosing myself meant for my relationships

I hadn’t made the connection that choosing myself is selfish in nature. While that can be true and obvious, I don’t think it’s fair to make that assessment. My family was and is very supportive of my decision to live in NYC. There was no doubt in my mind that they wouldn’t be. 

But, growing up in a multigenerational household, I was raised with collective values. I still think of myself as a natural caregiver and as someone who puts others before herself, but on the other hand, I am still someone who is driven and ambitious to reach her goals no matter what. Rather than painting it as selfish, we can reframe it as a couple of things: no longer being a people pleaser and no longer dealing with other people’s bullsh*t. 

It was hard to leave my family on the opposite coast, but it was even harder living in a place that didn’t serve me anymore purpose. It doesn’t mean I love my family any less, I did what I had to do for myself. My American, or individualistic, values were siding with me on this one - I had to live my life. If my grandparents were willing to move to a new country for a better life, I wanted to take that to its advantage and truly live my better life.

I’ll always have my family, and my friends for that matter, at the forefront of my mind. I won’t allow anyone to come between my own values and what it is that I stand for, which is why I run a tightship. Putting myself first did cost me previous relationships, but in order to move forward, there were things that needed to be shed. 

I will continue to choose myself in any and all situations. If something no longer serves me purpose, I won’t allow it in my life.   

Conclusive thoughts

I’m grateful for the life that I live and to be able to have a platform to share my life, especially for the supporters who continue to have my back, and have supported me through this.

By default, I am a hard nut to crack; it’s hard for me to allow people into my life but it’s because I truly believe that it is a privilege to know me. I’ve worked hard to have this amount of self-love, I don’t want that to ever be dimmed.

I will always choose myself time and time again.

I truly am thankful for everyone who is or has been in my life - without any of you, I definitely wouldn’t be where I am today. I know I just talked a lot of sh*t about how I did this all for myself, but it’s because you all have helped build and shape me to take that leap and do everything that I desire.

These past four years with xoxokaels have only been the start and I know there’s more to come. Though I wrote this about me, it really is for you.

xoxo,
kaels
too bad ain’t me <3

Shop my dress from Outcast Clothing!